Bratton-Jeffery, Frankie
ASSIGNMENT 5: COMMUNITY BUILDING
Enrique MelonPass #2 – The Quest
Yours is a very compelling story that describes the families’ hopes and despair in Mexico. I’ve often wondered if I had been born in this country what efforts would I make to get out or would I just accept the day-to-day life. Santiago personifies that voice of drive and fear within us. I like the unique phrasing, “…flagged his soul,” “the sky begins to twist and swirl in agony” and the fact that you don’t overdo it. Your writing style is reminiscent of Hemingway, I believe. Just short, articulate sentences. The photos are breathtaking and well-chosen.
Suggestions
1. How old is Santiago? At first I thought he was young – 10 to 12, but later in the story, I have the impression he’s more of late teens. You might clarify for the reader.
2. Is Veronica the daughter of the prominent merchant? If so, you might use her name earlier in the story.
3. “Off in the distance, Santiago believes he can make out a silhouette across the field, though cannot tell exactly what shape the figure takes, as the mist from the field stifles his view. The figure gets closer, and it becomes apparent that it is a man.” This is followed by the person walking in the distance. I’d suggest that you eliminate the following photo of the man close-up. I believe that when you reveal that the father is speaking from the dead, the first photo displays that surreal nature. Using the second one detracts from the eeriness and changes the mood slightly.
Chien-Huei Wetherington
Pass 1: The Journey to Home
Mr. Fong personifies the decisions that parents must face with their children. Some are not necessarily popular or follow the established cultural rules, but are necessary for the welfare of the child. I like him. Later in the story, I found the line about not having in-laws around rather interesting. When I married my husband that was one of the discussions I had with him. And I’m not Chinese.Your sentence structure communicates the simplicity of the life Jee-Ling and her family live. This style makes it easy for the reader to feel the emotions of Jee-Ling and the most brutal times in her life.
Suggestions:
1. You might want to check on the use of paragraphs and quotations. The rule used to be that when a speaker changed, the paragraph changed. I think the paragraphs make it easier for the reader to keep up with the dialogue.
2. You talked about using a timeline for the menu in pass 4. I would agree that the timeline provides a better menu structure than say a family tree or a map. I look forward to seeing how this develops.
Debbie Andrisani
Solar Dreamer
Your story is one of contrasting dichotomies: Solar/The Sun and Dreamer/The Moon; Larry the quixotic and Kim the rock; Barbara and Kim’s parents. Your word choice and the use of three major scenes provide the story with a tight structure. I like that. With the limited number of words, it’s important to keep the scenes focused and few.
Suggestions:
1. The story is obviously about Larry, the environmentalist, but Kim is the stronger character. Is your Pass 2 the same story, now with imagery? If not, I’d suggest that you build Kim’s character more. I think the reader should see, understand, and empathize with her. Then when Larry completes his dream the drama will have greater contrast.
2. You might want to check punctuation associated with thoughts by characters. There must be a way to keep the thoughts separate from body text. I look forward to seeing Pass 3 and 4.
Karen Cooper
Doll Houses Pass 2
When I saw the title, I wasn’t interested in reading the story. I thought this is a bit of nostalgia that I can do without. However, you and I have exchanged an email or two and I decided to review your story and provide a few comments to complete the assignment. I must say I was in for such a pleasant surprise. Your selection of words and phrasing illustrate the love and commitment your parents have for each other and the story speaks volumes about this generation. “It was not something they planned; it just happened.” “Then my mom found my dad loitering around the possession, examining its potential. It was in bad shape and needed a lot of work, but he saw something. I believe he saw a challenge.” And finally, “. . . great satisfaction came from making-from-nothing.” This is truly a remarkable generation and the family is truly blessed to have Bill and Eileen.
Suggestions:
I wish I could think of some, but I was so moved by your story. I don’t believe I can offer much. The photos are very helpful to the telling of the story. In pass 3 you’ll be able to add audio and video. I’d love to hear some voiceovers of your parents and the grandchildren. Maybe even friends talking about the dollhouses. By any chance do the doll houses have residents? That would certainly be an interesting twist.
